Aright! Speaking of party breakers, this one is good for me and my pal
     Frank.

     (Gail the explanation of the honey bear is that toward the end of that
     party, we decided to give Frank his pacifier...)


     BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

     SYMPTOM:        Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
     FAULT:          Glass empty.
     ACTION:         Get someone to buy you another beer.

     SYMPTOM:        Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
     FAULT:          You have fallen over backward.
     ACTION:         Have yourself lashed to bar.

     SYMPTOM:        Mouth contains cigarette butts.
     FAULT:          You have fallen forward.
     ACTION:         See above.

     SYMPTOM:        Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
     FAULT:          Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
     face.
     ACTION:         Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

     SYMPTOM:        Feet cold and wet.
     FAULT:          Glass being held at incorrect angle.
     ACTION:         Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

     SYMPTOM:        Feet warm and wet.
     FAULT:          Improper bladder control.
     ACTION:         Stand next to nearest dog, complain about
     (his-her)house
                     training.

     SYMPTOM:        Floor blurred.
     FAULT:          You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
     ACTION:         Get someone to buy you another beer.

     SYMPTOM:        Floor moving.
     FAULT:          You are being carried out.
     ACTION:         Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

     SYMPTOM:        Room seems unusually dark.
     FAULT:          Bar has closed.
     ACTION:         Confirm home address with bartender.

     SYMPTOM:        Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
     FAULT:          Beer comsumtion has exceeded personal limitations.
     ACTION:         Cover mouth.