Why fight age? Why not capitalize on it in every way
possible? Here are some ideas Mattel might consider for a
past 40 Barbie:
Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens
fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck
chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart
Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her
face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear
on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see
her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and
Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these
new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front,
too: muumuus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge
Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have
definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.
Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then
slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and
lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's
own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is
really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school
megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in
robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut
holes and fruit punch.
Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs
a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the
doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her
new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.
Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping
anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the
Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr.
in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old
gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage
sale kit included.
Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up
with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead
of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings
religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-
pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness?
>From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved --
wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code
requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the
accessories) are endless.
scientific illustrator, guinea pig owner
engineering animation, inc., chicago
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Always do what you are afraid to do. - Ralph Waldo Emerson